A Me That I Thought I Had Lost.

March 13 Saturday

So today I was invited out by Alan to go with him, Megan, and 2 other Asahikawa ALTs to go out for dinner. I spent the day doing absolutely nothing except lounge around and watch TV and eating...lol But at around 6pm I left my place to drive to Asahikawa to meet them. Well, it was blizzarding outside and I couldn`t see the road...so it wasn`t the most pleasant drive. But I got there safely, picked up Alan, and went to go meet the other girls at the train station. So we all piled into my little car-I`m assuming it was a lil tight in the back seat lol-and decided to go eat some soup curry.

OMG, this was like the best soup curry I`ve ever had. It was so delicious and wonderful and freakin spicy. It was so spicy I immediately started sweating upon having 2 spoons of it. lol But delicious regardless. I also really liked the decor. It had a bunch of post war memorabilia, like posters of old movies, bottle caps, and candy wrappers hung on the walls. It was so cute! The outside of it though looked just like a house. Like, seriously, it was even in the smack dab middle of the residential area. When my friends was trying to guide me to it, I was like..."Are you sure it`s here? Cuz it looks like it`s all just houses..." lol And it would not be allowed in the states. haha. But it was delicious and we had a grand old time of it.

Afterwards we went to karaoke at Oedo. And it was packed with people that night. But we managed to get a small room with the TV really close to us and with awesome decor. The interior looked like the set of an sci-fi action movie. The walls looked like they were made of grey rock tiles screwed in by large screws. The wall which held the TV actually had a black fence that kept you away from the strange mechanisms and electric wires on the other side. And there was an emergeny door that had caution tapes haphazardly pasted every where on it. We were, however, wondering if that was actually for real or if it just goes with the decor. But it was sooo cool! I love karaoke in Japan. haha.

We sang until midnight and I dropped everyone off and decided to head on home....at like 2am. Not so smart of me as I should have stayed at Alan`s and spent the night there instead of driving an hour in the blizzard home. I was already starting to feel sleepy halfway home and I was in a state of barely consciousness. In between heavy half-lidded eyes I could see that my car was drifting towards the left side a little. When I made myself fully conscious again I realized I was coming on to a snow covered side walk very fast. My car bumped up on to the sidewalk fast enough to cause my little kei (super light) car to almost flip over. And it freaked the hell out of me. But I was able to get it back onto the main road without any further incidences. Needless to say, that woke me up and I didn`t lose consciousness for the rest of the way home...=P

March 14th Sunday

Happy White Day!! Although I forgot to give people chocolate on Valentine`s day so I`m not expecting anything. haha.

March 15th Monday

Last day teaching my Sakura-gumi 5-6 year old babies. I love these kids and will miss being able to teach them because I don`t teach 1st or 2nd grade kids. Only 3rd and up. So I just basically played alot of games with them. That`s all I did with them that day. haha. Then, despite not having class at the elementary that day I still went and just sat in the teacher`s lounge minding my own work. However, at around 3pm, all the teachers and the 5th graders all gathered in the gym to help setup for the graduation ceremony this coming friday. It was actually pretty fun to work with everybody. But kinda tiring and my arms got a pretty good workout from carrying 4 heavy chairs (the kind you can fold up to put away to save space) down from the second floor to the gym about 3 times. The walk`s quite far and the chairs were really heavy. My biceps were pretty sore afterwards. =P

I was also able to see Mr. Wonderful. Although we didn`t really talk too much because we were both busy helping the kids setup stuff. Although in the end when he came closer to me after we all finished with our work and the kids went home, I asked him about his cell email address. I couldn`t send him a message because it didn`t work. He said, "Yappari, it was a hypen and not an underscore..." I told him that it was okay and to just tell me his email when he can. He said he couldn`t go out to dinner tonight either, even though I didn`t ask him that. But I could tell he was sorry. I took it really casually and just told him it`s no problem.

Actually, I`ve been feeling pretty casual about the whole thing lately and my confidence in myself has gone up. I no longer flutter and forget things when I`m around him and am able to speak properly and with strength in my voice (not the meek lil thing that I do around Japanese people). It`s all thanks to my wonderful friends` support and belief in who I really am that I feel super proud to be the me I am now. So in my mind and heart, when I`m talking to people now, I talk with confidence and strength and pride. I like who I am, and if other people don`t like me for myself, then they`re not people I need to focus on or particularly befriend. So same goes for Mr. Wonderful. As great and wonderous as he is, if he doesn`t like me for me then I was not meant to date him. Even if he rejects me when I confess, I feel like it`s not going to be so bad because it just meant that he`s not the guy for me at the moment and I`ll either find someone better or there might be a chance with him in the future if I can stay friends with him. So yeah.

March 16th Tuesday

Today I just spent the whole day at the elementary school, playing with my kids and making cookies, cakes, donuts, pudding with my 6th graders. Today was their mini at school graduation party. They invited all the teachers to the music room and had tables and chairs set up with all the amazing sweets that these kids had made on top. It was so much fun and the sweets were delicious. I was so proud of them. The kids sang a very cute song at the end and the kids were so funny too. Loved them, but then again, they`re wonderful like that every day.

After all that was over and I went back to the teacher`s lounge and then I decided to go find Mr. Wonderful to address the not being able to message him and whether or not he would like to have dinner Wednesday night. So I went into his classroom with assurity and confidence and genkiness and was able to talk to him normally, like I talk with my friends. I spoke to him mainly in English, so here we go: "Mr. Wonderful? Sorry for interrupting you, but are you still okay for dinner Wednesday night?" "Ah, that`s right. Hmm...." (he was trying to figure out if Wednesday was ok or not) Me: "You still don`t know yet?" "Yeah, sorry." "No problem. Hmm...how about if you message me about tomorrow whether you can or not? And if you are too busy tomorrow night then we can always go for lunch on a weekend or something. Just message me about it." "Oh okay! Oh, but could you write down your cell email address again? I`m sorry, but I lost it." "Yeah sure!" (He handed me a piece of paper to write on and we were silent for a while as I wrote.) I told him, "I tried messaging you, but it didn`t go through last time." "Oh yes, then it really must`ve been wrong then. Sorry about that." "No worries. So if you can email me, then I can just find your address via that." "Yeah, I will. My email address starts with a `maestro` so when you see that, it`s from me." "Alright! Then I will wait for that email. Thank you!" "You`re welcome." And I turned and walked out of the classroom.

I have to say, I felt pretty good with that convo because I was able to talk to him without blanking out for the first time and with casuality. haha. =P Now, whether he actually texts me about dinner Wednesday night is another thing. He might pull a "Oh sorry, I was busy and was unable to go out and kind of forgot to message you" on me and then I think I might get the hint from that, although I dislike it when people keep postponing things instead of directly saying "I don`t want to go." It may sound like you`re being nice, but trust me, it actually hurts more than saying it directly because one keeps hoping instead of knowing.

So after that I went to the nurse`s office to chat with the nurse (not Yuki, but equally wonderful to talk to) I got roped in to helping her finish her graduation banner for the 6th graders. Actually, 10 minutes in to helping her she said she had to leave and asked if I could just do what I can and continue cutting the paper sakura and pasting them onto the banner. I like arts and crafts stuff, so I was more than happy to help. But then I realized afterwards that I think I might`ve been used. haha. I knew she wanted to go home, but couldn`t until she did majority of the banner. So she left the rest up to me. haha. I didn`t mind, I actually thought it was funny. Yuki was going to help me as well, but ended up having to go home early so wasn`t able to help at all. haha. She apologized though. =P So in the end, it was just me in the nurse`s office on my own cutting 50 something sakura flowers and pasting them on to the banner. Actually originally I was cutting them one by one, then thought what a waste of time it was to cut them one by one like that, so folded up all the paper and cut out about 100 of them after 6 cuts. Then pasted, and finished within an hour, whereas I think it would`ve taken me 3 hours without the folding....lol

Tonight was the BOE casual dinner at the best BBQ/Yakinku place in town. I got there right on time, thinking I`d be late. And I get there, and no one`s there....But after a little bit my predecessor came in and the others soon followed. (My pred`s here for a week and actually left this [Wednesday] morning). We had a wonderful and super fun dinner that lasted quite a while. Then afterwarads went to go to the bar next to me apt for drinking and karaoke. That was hilarious actually. The guys started dancing to songs and singing all weird and then everyone tried to translate the song as we sang...that was pretty funny. Anyways, a good night, but I smell like Yakinku and cigarettes...eww... I need to wash my jacket somehow...get rid of the smell. >.<

So here`s to hoping that Mr. Wonderful will somehow contact me about dinner or lunch or something. And then I can finally know what`s going on. If not, then maybe he`s not the guy I`m supposed to date...heh.

Otsukare for reading!

I`m going to freakin exude confidence and be awesome!!

11/8/09 Sunday

My Elementary School Festival! Well, more like just an open house performance thing. I`ve been waiting for this day for a while because the kids plays are sooooo cute and good that I wanted to see it performed for real, as well as the dance I taught the 6th graders. I love my children! So the thing started at 8:30am and all the parents arrived to sit on the floor in the gym where the stage also is. Since I`m technically a teacher, but not one of the official teachers I don`t have to actually work and I get the special important people chairs/seats. And when I went to go sit down I heard a small little voice say "Theresa-sensei!!" and saw one of my lil nursery kids run over to me and hug me tight. I was so exhilarated to see her! She`s soo cute! And her parents were sitting on the floor behind me and I heard them say "Who is that? The English teacher?" So I decided to introduce myself to them and now they like me. haha. And because there was an empty seat next to me since not many important people came, I told her that she could sit next to me because she couldn`t really see anything otherwise. Some of my other babies also saw me and came over to hold my hand or talk to me. However, some of the parents were like...who is that? THey didn`t think I was a teacher and wondered why I was sitting in the important people`s seats. I guess I still look like a high schooler to alot of them....

So the kids did an awesome awesome job and their costumes and props and backdrops were freakin AMAZING!! I have to admit I did help alot on the 1st graders costumes. And so they had the most elaborate looking ones because Yuki also helped. THe other teachers did majority of everything themselves which was amazing! But I didn`t know that Kitagawa-sensei (the 1st grade teacher) was so freaking good at art or just artistic and creative in general. His backdrops were painted and hand drawn by him and they were soooooo beatiful!! Even the audience gasped when they saw it! I love him even more now. He was already my fav teacher because he reminded my of Winnie the Pooh, but now he`s the best! haha. So the 2nd graders did a play called きつねさんのたくさん客さん "Mr. Fox`s Many Guests". 1st graders did something about a fight between the water mountain and fire mountain. It was actually pretty epic and the 1st graders did an awesome job! The 3rd graders did どろぼう学校 "Theives School"　which was the best performance of them all. It was sooo cute and funny. The 5th graders did something about a good daimyo in a village. The 4th graders did おれたちはゴミっ子だ！ "We are Garbage Children!" Yes, it sounds terrible, but it talks about the importance of seperating trash...lol Kinda cute, kinda sad. =P The 6th graders did 青い鳥２１about finding the beginning of peaceful times from travelling to the past. It was really good and funny.

Oh, dude, so Mr. Wonderful looked damn good today! He was wearing black pants, a grey sweater and underneath it was a white collared shirt so the collar and cuffs peeked out of the sweater, and he moussed/gelled his hair semi-ikemen style. I saw him and was like DAMN! lol Like I said before, he`s not the hottest thing out there, but he has a very nice body and an awesome personality and really is kind of like eye candy. SO that`s why when I saw him looking like that, it upped his level! lol

After the festival at 1pm we had the enkai for all the elementary teachers. There was supposed to be a bus that left for the Shibetsu hotel where the enkai was taking place and I rode in to the school on my bike just in time to see the bus leave....I was like Oh shit...Luckily, the vice principal and Watanabe-sensei were there waiting for me. I felt so bad. But they told me it`s okay because they had told me a later time...so technically it wasn`t my fault...=P At the enkai we are given lil pieces of paper with a picture of a cute animal on it which corresponds to the animal pictures on our seats. It`s basically a roullette of where you get to sit. So I was standing next to Mr. Wonderful and was dearly hoping to be sitting next to him. He got a deer and I got a freakin hippo. And I was hoping that they would be next to each other. But nope, I`m next to the principal. I somehow always end up in the seat next to the bigwigs. But then I saw Mr. Wonderful sit directly diagonal from me and was like, "oh man, it`s going to be hard for me to talk to him because now I`ll have to look at him". And you know me, I panic during those times with hot guys. But I really tried and ganbarued! So I got one short 2 minute conversation in with him during the whole time and it was just about his car......>.< lol

After lunch was the second party to where most of the teachers went to go bowling. I again, like always, got the lowest score. Suck. But Mr. Wonderful took off his sweater and relaxed his white button up shirt underneath. And he looked sooo nice! He was on a different team next to mine, but we sat back to back or side to side whatever you wanna see it as, and I didn`t show it, but was pretty happy. haha. After bowling we decided to go to Tsubohachi to drink and somewhat eat. The guys ordered beer that came in fat big glasses and whiskey and the girls ordered cocktails and stuff. I didn`t sit next to Mr. Wonderful, one of the teachers was in between us, but he would occasionally look over to talk to me. And the men drank sooooo much, like ridiculous amounts. lol ANd it`s not nomihoudai, so we had to pay for all of it. The enkai at the hotel cost 4000yen each and this cost us 3000yen each. Errg.... Then we went to karaoke.

And there is where I really let myself go. I love Karaoke, and no matter what I fill myself with confidence and sing my heart out. Singing is something I`m not afraid to just belt out in front of people whether I suck or not. And it really freakin surprised my teachers. I guess that normally I`m really meek and quiet at school when I`m around the teachers, but when singing I`m back to my normal American self. haha. And all the teachers were like, dude, Theresa, you`re really good. And I swelled with pride. haha. And Mr. Wonderful`s voice is amazing! And when he`s doing Karaoke, he also becomes a little different. He somehow becomes sooo cool and fun! At school he`s kind of quiet and mature like, but here he was a normal cool party guy. Points upped. I really like that. When you work, your in good person work mode, and when you party, you really know how to party. That was him. Awesome! And when I selected to sing Aoyama Telma`s そばにいるね "Soba ni iru ne", he was like "ah, さすが" haha. And in the song there`s a guy rapping part to which none of the other guy teachers knew except for Mr.Wonderful. I was about to rap myself, but he took the other mic and started rapping the words for me! XDDDDD AAAAAHHH!! He was sooo good at it! I was amazed and wowed. And I was all a flutter that he sang with me. haha. Points totally upped. Then I decided to sing Mariah Carey`s "All I want for Christmas" and he totally cheered me on and woohoo`d for me. XD

After the karaoke session when I was waiting with him to pay I told him that he was totally good at rapping and his singing voice is amazing! And he told me that he just likes to sing and really has an interest in foreign music and the English language. He said that when he learned English in middle school he started having an interest in English and so he actually speaks it pretty well! So we started talking about English music in English. And I told him anytime he wanted to practice his English with me he can. Ahah. My strategy. lol So he was really happy and talked alot with me that night. He also asked me if I knew Fly Me to The Moon, and I just looked at him and was like OMG, are you serious? I love that song!! (No joke, I really do.) And he was like "you Love that song?! That`s great! Let`s go Karaoke together next time!" And I almost fainted from that one comment. =P I`m weird, yes I know. haha. But I`m always really fluttery around him, so I`m never sure what I should be feeling. XD Oh, and he`s a freakin gentleman. Like, the other men, even Kitagawa-sensei aren`t so gentlemanly, but he was totally. He would always wait for all the women to go out the door first to follow in the end so he was always the last guy out. Or he would let all the girls get their shoes before he would get his and he would open all the doors for us. Then when we got back at 12am after Karaoke (Yes, I spent from 1:30pm to 12am with my elementary teachers all day, and, man, can elementary teachers party. I love them when their drunk and crazy!!! LOL) he volunteered to walk me and the other female teacher back home when the other teachers were like "you guys are walking back alone?" But we told him since we`re walking together, it`ll be fine. Although, I really would`ve liked to walk with him. We could`ve been able to talk more, but becuse he lives in the total opposite direction of us, I didn`t want to inconvenience him. Points majorly upped. Oh, yeah, and Karaoke cost us 4000yen each cuz of all the drinks we ordered and the long ass time we spent in there. Yeah, I don`t need money. I don`t need money at all.

However, to cut this lovely spiel about Mr. Wonderful, there was something that majorly irked me and pissed me off during this time. Specifically during Karaoke, but it began at Tsubohachi. I guess the guys were getting a little more drunk and tipsy and can`t control what they say ya know. But I was still very surprised and taken aback by it. Watanabe-sensei (the 6th grade teacher) began to be a little rude to me at Tsubohachi. Not terribly, just a little. And then at Karaoke he said some rude things to me and when I went to the bathroom and came back, I saw him talking with one of the female teachers who I was sitting next to. And when I came back and sat next to her he said "I`ll talk to you more about this later" and she turned and saw me and kinda laughed and went Oh! So I knew something was up, but didn`t wanna confirm it just yet. Then when I was with Mr. Wonderful waiting to pay I saw him talking to the other teachers in the corner and them looking at me. So I really really knew something was up. When we got in the large taxi to go home, I sat behind him and I heard him say to Hisakawa-sensei "oh, she`s sitting behind us" Hmm.....So I started listening to his conversation while at the same time talking with the female teacher next to me and Mr. Wonderful behind me to not let them know I suspect something. ALthough they`re so obvious because they`re kindof drunk.

So Watanabe-sensei kept saying "she really needs to have more confidence in herself. She is so different when she sings, but at school she has no confidence." But it was in a much more worse tone. And the other teachers seem to be nodding along. You know I really wouldn`t mind if you told me after I sang or something "oh, Theresa, you`re really confident and different when you sing, but you need to have more confidence at school" Yeah, I wouldn`t take offense but take it to heart and do my best then. But if you`re going to talk behind my back like that about something that I think is so trivial but you`re making it sound horrible it`s absurd and I won`t just take it. I mean, they were freaking talking about it right there, while I was still there with them like they thought I couldn`t hear or understand them! True, at school I`m a little more meek and quiet, but that doesn`t mean I have no confidence. I just don`t know what exactly to talk to you about besides lesson plans, you teachers are always super busy anyways, and I get confused in class sometimes because I`m never exactly sure what you want me to teach! >.< Seriuosly, I try really hard to clear things up with the lesson I`m supposed to help you teach so that I understand what I have to do. Yet, even when they tell me what to do and I thought that I understood they pull some things on me during class where they don`t explain to me what they`re doing and expect me to just know and I get so confused because of that. I know it`s partially my fault for not being able to understand Japanese fluently, but I try freakin hard when I teach. I really let myself go crazy in class and be totally out there with the students, how can you say I have no confidence in that area? The kids seem to love me because I`m so different and I do things that teachers would normally not do because they might think it lowers their status or whatever but I go out and do it because I don`t care if people think I`m wierd or look stupid. I mean, I came all the way out to Japan on my own to teach in an area where barely anyone knows English, so then how can you say I have no confidence in myself? Maybe, they might`ve taken my confusedness and quietness with lack of confidence, but by no means do I think I have no confidence. Maybe I do need a little more confidence in myself, but the reason I don`t talk too much is because I sometimes can`t understand what your conversation is about. I`m not fluent or a native Japanese person. I try to start a conversation on the occasions, but you only answer shortly and breifly and don`t continue it and you want to now beat on me? WTF, dude? Majority of my friends who know me know that I have enough confidence in myself. True, there are many things that I`m not confident about, but it`s not in the part of teaching or talking with Japanese people because I`ve already done alot of that back at UCI. SOmetimes, I just don`t know how to act around the teachers so that I don`t offend them so I think it`s better to be a little more reserved around them. I didn`t want to be too American style ya know?

But you know what? F that! THis Sunday night I decided that from now on I will be so confident that you will take back those words you said and realize that you made a mistake. I will exude even more confidence than I already have, be even more genki and livelier than normal, and be my normal self. You want more confidence? You`ll get it. You might even think that I maybe am not the same person anymore and I don`t know if you`ll like my new self, but that`s me. So don`t go regretting that you think I need more confidence. Because I will show you more confidence. But, no worries peoples, I will be careful with myself that I don`t go overboard. I just want it so that one day when Watanabe-sensei or any of the other teachers in cahoots with him say to me "Theresa, you seem to be alot more lively and genki lately" I`ll just say to them "Oh, you know, I just thought it would be good if i had more confidence in myself" and just see the look on their faces. So from now I will live life like there is no tomorrow and burst with and exude confidence so that no one will ever say otherwise again.

Sorry for the long rant here, but I needed to vent and proclaim my "new" self. haha. And hopefully, good changes will happen.